Quitting Quitter

We have been quite tight on money lately and my bad habits were taking a toll on us so I decided it would be best if I quit smoking pot. Since I have hoped I would one day. I’m also using the e-cigarette to try and quit smoking tobacco and nasty chemicals and eventually nicotine in general I hope. It’s been about 11-12 yrs continuously, constantly and straight for the entire time. I attempted to quit smoking cigarettes once but I rolled with tobacco and had a puff here and there so I totally cheated and caved just before 3 months.

So I was able to convince myself I was ready for this because I do see the negativity that pot brings into my life. My ex and my best friend had to quit due to anxiety issues, I used to not believe them but now I get the same feelings far to often as well (especially when I’m extremely baked). I have such a horrible memory, I now realize not the worst compared to my damn boyfriend who doesn’t toke, ha (love you), but I still believe I should stop before there’s no return lol. Also how easily distracted and unproductive I can get (couch potato), though sometimes it helps I’m in a zone!

I have to many excuses why marijuana is good for me which is why I procrastinated quitting for so long. Such as; Sleeping: I can not fall asleep until I’ve reached complete exhaustion (mainly because my brain NEVER stops running circles lol) but with help of a joint or few I would burn out and pass out. Eating: I find cooking/eating so time consuming and it annoys me more then I enjoy it, especially if I’m over stressed or sick it pains me to eat sometimes but with a joint or few my tummy aches settle and munchies kick in suddenly food that was sickening is delicious and I want to make and eat everything I have in the house lol. Stress/Sickness: as noted before it calms my stomach also relaxes my nerves let’s me sit down and take a break from everything my heads doing somersaults and jumping jacks about. Helps me when I have nausea and even painful injuries or sore bones and muscles, I think because it helps me keep distracted. Creativity: I have always used it as an aid in my writing creativity it helped more with my poetry.

Now most of me that argues those points is more curious to see if and how wrong I am. I want to believe that when I stop for good I won’t need pot as my aid in these any of these categories. I believe ill be fine but part of me says there’s no return! Lol.

Many valid points and reasons to quit but the one that hits me the hardest to make an effort is the financial downfall of my bad habit or I would even say addiction.

Since we have been on a strict small cash flow for almost 6 months now we don’t have any spending money yet we haven’t been following our proper budget rules. I was spending on average $160 every 2 weeks on marijuana. That’s so much money that could of went to our debts! My boyfriend has his bad spending habits but that gives me no right to be so selfish! Such a guilty pleasure at such a price when money is my main source of stress. I just think its ridiculous. I won’t get my hair cut or a new cell phone that works proper because that’s far to much money to spent with our small budget yet I’m spending $320 plus sometimes on something that is definitely a want more then a need. Especially since I am now currently jobless (thank god the boyfriend just started his job) But It just sickened me!

So I don’t even know how long its been.. I know I made this decision a few days before my last payday, I think it was the day before my last work day. I knew I couldn’t afford another bag before payday and in the past I have become a nut bar bitch when this would happen. I realize I need to be able to stay positive when this I don’t have pot so I have to make this goal to quit to make sure I do my best to stay in the best mindset I can.

I did very well so far but still haven’t put forth 100% commitment. I have had a couple days without a single toke, a couple with 2 joints in the day and a few with 1 joint in the day. Most of what I did smoke was with someone close to me which is why those joints never bothered me. I really don’t want to cut it completely out of my life because it is something I enjoy a bit of with certain people. The times that actually bothered me about toking were while I was alone at home and made the decision completely on my own. I feel as if I’ve cheated myself and everyone else! Makes me feel ashamed for thinking I have a right to tell people I’m quitting. But most of all it makes me feel I have absolutely no control even though I’m so far from how much I ‘needed’ to survive a day.

So most of me believes that I am only stopping until I have gained control again (and money flow) or only restricted to certain social moments with the closest even. Yet a part of me when alone and stoned is so paranoid that I’m just refusing to leave my denial behind me. I’m not sure where exactly I stand I want to quit, I don’t want to quit.

I will be continuing this battle or a journey to see where it takes me either way though. But its scary I’m going to a friends for the night in a couple days and its going to be a battle against myself, if I’m going to join in the sessions or not. We will see. 

I’ve wanted to release my confusion into writing but I was so unsure how to or if I had the strength to until now. I may or may not need or want to write more but I’m glad I got this all out. As I spark up a joint someone gave me earlier today :/ nighttime is my biggest weakness.  Goooodnight all! Xox.

Posted in Anger, Goals, Happy, Inspire, Journal, More About Me, Opinions?, Ranting, Sad | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Sex and the City!!!

*Hey fellow bloggers and readers :) I have an obsession with Sex and the City!*
*If any of you also share a similar interest please check out my new blog strictly for SATC! I will be writing a post very every episode I watch starting at the very beginning. Love to hear your input.*
*http://satc4addicts.wordpress.com *
*yay*thnx*xo*

Posted in Grateful Memories, Happy, Humor, Inspire, Journal, Love, More About Me, Opinions?, Pictures, Ranting, To The Readers | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hurdles in Being Positive

Mushy Meeshy:

Please check out this blog, I’ found a lot of guidance reading through the posts, here is another entry he wrote that could help you as it does for me.

Originally posted on My lessons in world of spirituality:

What Stops You from Being Positive?

There are many reasons that make it difficult to produce and hold on to
positivity in your mind and attitude. The external information we receive
is mainly negative, and our thoughts and conversations are based on this
information. Other causes include:

* Other people’s negativity rubbing off on you; Other people’s criticisms
influencing you;
* Self-doubt;
* Lacking clear objectives in life;
* Not having recognized your true qualities, virtues and values;
* Lacking self-confidence;
* Not believing you are a positive person;
* Keeping the past in your mind;
* Being egoistic;
* Comparing yourself with others;
* Having low self-esteem;
* Being frustrated or irritated;
* Lacking flexibility or tolerance with people or situations, etc.

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Short Note

I wanted to leave my last post on a positive note so I’m just writing something quick. My bf started work today yay!! I’m watching Sex and the City from season 1 episode 1 again!! And I’m eating some delicious tater tots I just made!! Mmmm food! Well happy happy. Write more soon y’all xox

⭐By: MushyMeeshy⭐

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When Can I Give Up?

My pillows soaked
My eyes are red
I’m so confused
Can’t go to bed

My stomach is sore
And my head kills
I have no money
Yet lots of bills

My heart is aching
I feel so alone
I need to talk, but
No one to phone

I’m feeling so lost
Like I’m stuck in this rut
When I find a door
It always slams shut

I can’t find my way out
I don’t see any light
Every things so dark
No matter how much I fight

I’ll keep my head up
And put on a smile
I will find my path
Maybe its up a mile?

Yet without fail
I can’t find my way
I hate life’s games
I don’t want to play

I lay in my bed
Tears down my face
Just want to know
When ill find my place

Curled up in a ball
My teddy held close
Thinking of everything
That I miss the most

I beat myself up
And bring myself down
Don’t know where to turn
To take away this frown

By: Meeshy

Posted in Anger, My Poetry, Ranting, Sad | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

For Myself

I reap the pain
And play the game

Dealt the cards
Pick up the shards

I feel so far
From being at par

With all I know
I repeat the same show

I chose to fear
While I kick my own rear
 
I could get er done
But I bitch out and run

I’m aware of my wrong
Now for myself
I need to stay strong.

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Grrr

It hurts a little inside when my friend tells me we stress her out. She is one who can bitch about anything, was always mad at her ex and has fits over the smallest thing. I would get annoyed with it when we hung out.. And me and my boyfriend fight to much. What a slap in the face that feels like.

I know it true.. I had forgotten…

image

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