We have been quite tight on money lately and my bad habits were taking a toll on us so I decided it would be best if I quit smoking pot. Since I have hoped I would one day. I’m also using the e-cigarette to try and quit smoking tobacco and nasty chemicals and eventually nicotine in general I hope. It’s been about 11-12 yrs continuously, constantly and straight for the entire time. I attempted to quit smoking cigarettes once but I rolled with tobacco and had a puff here and there so I totally cheated and caved just before 3 months.
So I was able to convince myself I was ready for this because I do see the negativity that pot brings into my life. My ex and my best friend had to quit due to anxiety issues, I used to not believe them but now I get the same feelings far to often as well (especially when I’m extremely baked). I have such a horrible memory, I now realize not the worst compared to my damn boyfriend who doesn’t toke, ha (love you), but I still believe I should stop before there’s no return lol. Also how easily distracted and unproductive I can get (couch potato), though sometimes it helps I’m in a zone!
I have to many excuses why marijuana is good for me which is why I procrastinated quitting for so long. Such as; Sleeping: I can not fall asleep until I’ve reached complete exhaustion (mainly because my brain NEVER stops running circles lol) but with help of a joint or few I would burn out and pass out. Eating: I find cooking/eating so time consuming and it annoys me more then I enjoy it, especially if I’m over stressed or sick it pains me to eat sometimes but with a joint or few my tummy aches settle and munchies kick in suddenly food that was sickening is delicious and I want to make and eat everything I have in the house lol. Stress/Sickness: as noted before it calms my stomach also relaxes my nerves let’s me sit down and take a break from everything my heads doing somersaults and jumping jacks about. Helps me when I have nausea and even painful injuries or sore bones and muscles, I think because it helps me keep distracted. Creativity: I have always used it as an aid in my writing creativity it helped more with my poetry.
Now most of me that argues those points is more curious to see if and how wrong I am. I want to believe that when I stop for good I won’t need pot as my aid in these any of these categories. I believe ill be fine but part of me says there’s no return! Lol.
Many valid points and reasons to quit but the one that hits me the hardest to make an effort is the financial downfall of my bad habit or I would even say addiction.
Since we have been on a strict small cash flow for almost 6 months now we don’t have any spending money yet we haven’t been following our proper budget rules. I was spending on average $160 every 2 weeks on marijuana. That’s so much money that could of went to our debts! My boyfriend has his bad spending habits but that gives me no right to be so selfish! Such a guilty pleasure at such a price when money is my main source of stress. I just think its ridiculous. I won’t get my hair cut or a new cell phone that works proper because that’s far to much money to spent with our small budget yet I’m spending $320 plus sometimes on something that is definitely a want more then a need. Especially since I am now currently jobless (thank god the boyfriend just started his job) But It just sickened me!
So I don’t even know how long its been.. I know I made this decision a few days before my last payday, I think it was the day before my last work day. I knew I couldn’t afford another bag before payday and in the past I have become a nut bar bitch when this would happen. I realize I need to be able to stay positive when this I don’t have pot so I have to make this goal to quit to make sure I do my best to stay in the best mindset I can.
I did very well so far but still haven’t put forth 100% commitment. I have had a couple days without a single toke, a couple with 2 joints in the day and a few with 1 joint in the day. Most of what I did smoke was with someone close to me which is why those joints never bothered me. I really don’t want to cut it completely out of my life because it is something I enjoy a bit of with certain people. The times that actually bothered me about toking were while I was alone at home and made the decision completely on my own. I feel as if I’ve cheated myself and everyone else! Makes me feel ashamed for thinking I have a right to tell people I’m quitting. But most of all it makes me feel I have absolutely no control even though I’m so far from how much I ‘needed’ to survive a day.
So most of me believes that I am only stopping until I have gained control again (and money flow) or only restricted to certain social moments with the closest even. Yet a part of me when alone and stoned is so paranoid that I’m just refusing to leave my denial behind me. I’m not sure where exactly I stand I want to quit, I don’t want to quit.
I will be continuing this battle or a journey to see where it takes me either way though. But its scary I’m going to a friends for the night in a couple days and its going to be a battle against myself, if I’m going to join in the sessions or not. We will see.
I’ve wanted to release my confusion into writing but I was so unsure how to or if I had the strength to until now. I may or may not need or want to write more but I’m glad I got this all out. As I spark up a joint someone gave me earlier today nighttime is my biggest weakness. Goooodnight all! Xox.